JENNA TAYLOR'S (private) BLOG,

[jenna rianne taylor]

hi, i'm jenna taylor

I'm the junior captain of the cheerleading squad, I live in my own apartment in Manhattan New York, I attend one of the most prestigious/difficult private schools the nation has to offer, I'm always seen at the most lux parties and you'll never see me without a smile on my face. My life must be absolutely fabulous! ... right?

Wrong. I'm not the kind of girl that most people believe me to be. To keep up with this lavish lifestyle that I began last year here in Manhattan, it's nearly impossible not to step on the little people in making your way up to the top. I try my best not to, but can't we all be a little selfish and vain sometimes? I definitely can, and this is exactly what I created this blog for. I'm writing like someone will actually read this, but it's only just for now. This blog is COMPLETELY private to the public eye, so I'll include real names and places when speaking about things. I'm using this blog as a way to let out my innermost thoughts that would be nearly reputation-ruining if I let them out. I could always tell my best friend Candice Steele, but even I know that even the good slip up and can reveal your secrets if the wrong, or right buttons are pushed. Not only am I going to be typing about the happenings in my life and how I feel about them, I'm also going to be talking about things in my past. But for now, I'll stick with the present.

The present, for me, is Rigg Eastwood- my long time crush/fling and recent boyfriend. God only knows what took him so long to finally ask me out, and even then it took me asking him to ask me out. It's kind of a bummer though, because he was just recently diagnosed with leukemia /: I suppose I didn't fully think everything through when I asked Rigg to make things official with me, I was just kinda... livin' in the moment. But now I realize that I'm not going to be able experience the true thrill and exhilaration of 'high school love' with Rigg being sick like he is. Is he worth that? I've told myself time & time again that he is, but honestly I don't know. I'm not trying to be a selfish bitch, but can you blame me for being skeptical? Rigg still thinks I'm a virgin and I feel partially guilty that I'm constantly lying about this subject to my own boyfriend. What would he think if I told him it was a lie? Would he think I was trashy? Or a whore? Or even worse, would be think that lying to him about this could lead to lying about other things? I'm trying to think, and there's really nothing else that comes to mind that I really 'lie' about to people, other than the fact that I'm not a virgin. The whole situation with the scholarship isn't a big deal, because no one ever asks me. They just assume I work two jobs and live on my own as sort of a 'get-away'.. which is half true. But lying to everyone else is different than lying to Rigg, which I actually feel bad about. I don't think that Rigg would really judge me more so that I think he'll be upset and confused why I lied about it to begin with.

Okay, well he might be a little upset to find out that I slept with Luke Moreau (because every girl that's any girl has slept with Luke... I feel like such a follower) but that was that. We were dating at the time, it's not necessarily bad, it just so happened that it was with Luke- of all people. Luke is hot though- and I will say to this day, boyfriend and all, Luke Moreau is easily one of the hottest guys I've ever seen. However, he plays on Rigg's soccer team and things might just get a little too much to handle if the truth leaked that we slept together.

I haven't even slept with Rigg yet.
To be completely honest, I have no damn idea why I haven't made the point to take the train to Rigg's apartment (making sure his roommate, Ben, wasn't there of course) and just make love to him through the night and into the next day. Actually, kidding; it's probably because with Rigg things were never that serious. And Rigg has always seemed to see me in some sort of angelic, saint light. Like I'm some holy grail or something that can't be touched- and of course it's my fault for making him think like that. It's so damn annoying how a girl is either seen as a prude or a complete whore. Where is the in between? I want to be seen as the in between, at least to Rigg, because frankly although I have guys still trying to get my attention, if your own boyfriend doesn't really see things like that it kinda puts a damper on your sexual ego.

But I guess I can't really blame people for thinking that way about me, things were pretty serious over the summer when I dated Mason Brooks and I never really did anything physical with him. But then again Mason really saw me as untouchable in that manor. Not exactly sure why. Speaking of Mason though, I can pretty much say that that ship has completely sailed. I haven't seen him nor spoke to him in ages. I'm starting to hear rumors of him dating Emily Armstrong, which I hope to GOD are not true. Just the thought of it makes me want to vomit all over that stupid, skanky dress Emily always wears and thinks she looks good in. Emily is a whore and I despise her. If I find out that the rumors are true and Mason really is dating Emily, not only will I be the most confused girl on the face of the planet but I will have lost all respect for Mason. That's just disgusting.

I'm sure there's more I need to cover, and still a lot that has yet to come. I'll definitely be frequenting this blog a lot.

xoxox

[jenna rianne taylor]

bygones be bygones

So, this is definitely something that has been on my mind a lot since it happened and I don't really get the chance to express my feelings about it, seeing as how no one really knows. Yes, Luke knows, but I don't really see myself having a heart to heart with him anytime in the near future (or ever, really). But yeah, you guessed it— i'm gonna be writing about when exactly I (honestly) lost my virginity- before my glamorous life in Manhattan, before Belmont, before Luke and certainly before Rigg.



I was fifteen years old and it was during the summer going into my sophomore year of high school. The second semester of my freshman year I got full scholarship to Belmont, here in Manhattan, so that summer I spent every moment soaking up everything that I could in Jericho. Manhattan is so different than where I grew up in Jericho, and I knew it would be. As much as I was excited to be leaving Jericho and creating a new life in Manhattan, I was also somewhat afraid on how I would adapt to the change. At Joseph McQuirley High School I was pretty much known as the "smart kid". I definitely didn't cheer for JMHS, go to parties, etc (like I do now in Manhattan). My family was poor and although I was energetic around people that I knew, I was rarely known at Joseph McQuirely. That summer I was ready to let loose though, and I started hanging out with an older group of kids. My brother, Jamie, was eighteen at the time and getting ready to graduate high school- barely. At the time Jamie didn't really hang around the most desirable group of people, he hung around the drug dealers, the vandals, the trouble-makers, the kids that went to juvie. Jamie had a "friend" by the name of Caine Aulbridge. Caine and Jamie where never really that close because Caine was a little too bad even for Jamie. Trouble was Caine's middle name, and really that should have been my first sign- also the fact that he was nineteen and hitting on a fifteen year old. Something in me though liked that 'bad boy' image that Caine gave off, so after talking to him for the first month of summer, I started going over to his place. Caine was my first kiss and essentially my first everything. I had no idea what I was getting myself into with him, but I didn't stop myself because for one I was afraid to, but also because I knew it had to happen sometime. Something in me wanted to show up to Belmont as a mature, experienced girl, which of course wasn't a title that I could keep up with. I wasn't experienced, I was just scared. Scared of everything- I didn't know how to act. I felt like Caine was placing my every move under a magnifying glass, although I know how that guys definitely don't do things like that when they're, uh, in the heat of the moment, should I say. Regardless though, that's one of the main things I regret in my life. Nothing about sleeping with Caine was storybook-like or magical. And that's why I keep everything hidden. I'm a "virgin", and hopefully word won't get out so I can stay that way.

[jenna rianne taylor]

of the past, present and... future?

A few weeks ago while at I was working (Starbucks, this time), leave it to Luke to show up, ordering the strongest blend on the menu, dark glasses shading his eyes. Not that I'm really surprised that Luke was blatantly hungover on a Tuesday afternoon- I was more surprised that he saw me working and wanted to sit down and have an actual conversation with me. Yes, Luke Moreau, not only my ex-boyfriend but also the guy that I slept with (and the guy that's keeping my biggest secret yet- other than the fact that I'm a scholarship kid). Would you guess that things between us would be completely... not awkward? Because they weren't awkward at all. Usually I'd imagine meeting up randomly with the guy that soberly saw me naked and had sex with me would be... awkward. I know I'm being repetitive, but there's really no other word to describe it. But with Luke, it really wasn't. Probably because he's had sex with more majority of the female population at Belmont–he probably forgot what I even look like naked. But regardless, he was my boyfriend at the time. That Tuesday, when we were having coffee, I told him about Rigg and he completely seemed nonchalant about the whole thing. I know for a fact though that's just Luke, I'd seriously fall out if he ever had actual lasting feelings for a girl. I just hope that he cared about me a lot then, because even though I wasn't a virgin it still meant a lot for me to do that.

Anyway, now that we're on the subject of ex-boyfriends, I ran into Lane Cohen a few days ago when I was jogging in Central Park for a little exercise. Goddd, can I just talk about Lane Cohen for a second? Of course I can, this is my own private blog. GODDDD Lane. I swear, I can't even type my thoughts about this boy coherently. I feel so guilty for even having these thoughts while I'm in a relationship with Rigg but STILL. I dated Lane for a long time, when I first moved to Manhattan- it had to be for at least five or so months, which is definitely the longest I've been in a relationship with someone. Lane is seriously perfection, although I'm sure my hormones are just talking at this point. He was patient when it came to what I would do and what I wouldn't do physically, and I really appreciated that. Then one night his mom was out of town on business and his dad was out late, and we had his whole, luxurious-chic house all to ourselves. It wasn't like I hadn't been considering sleeping with Lane and publicly "losing my virginity" to him– he seemed reasonable enough. Besides, I'm pretty sure it would have been his first time. 'Would have', key words. It was late and I'm sure Lane wasn't allowed to have girls over that late, especially while his parents weren't at home but it was just kind of one of those things that happened in the moment. We'd been fooling around, doing whatever until I'd consciously made the decision that I wanted to do this, and obviously he wanted to as well. Then we heard the door open and his dad found us and it all kinda went down hill from there. His parents knew we were seeing each other, but we were only sixteen so I guess that was pushing it, I don't know. Maybe his parents are the kind of parents that believe that their kid should wait until marriage, who knows. All I know is after that we weren't allowed to see each other again. I kinda feel bad for Lane, being cut off like that right before, but I guess things happen. But then after awhile I started seeing Luke, and everything with that happened. Apparently Lane had moved on as well because I heard about some pregnancy rumor with some Walsh girl, that I'm pretty certain he wasn't dating.

But anyway, back to the park. So yeah, I ran into him there. The tension between us was so thick I'm sure people could see it. I felt horrible because I knew deep down I wanted so badly to just wrap my arms around Lane and lead the way to my apartment to take care of unfinished business. I know for a fact that he was feeling the same way too, just by his words and actions, but he knows about Rigg. I hate how I'm making Rigg out to be like he's a hassle, because he's really not at all, it's just other things getting in the way of how I feel. But I guess it doesn't really matter how I come off in this blog, seeing as how I'm the only one reading it.

In addition to feeling guilty about my run-in with Lane (we actually made plans to hang out later in the week... pray that I can control myself for this), DJ got in contact with me. Derrek 'DJ' Williams is a rapper, this guy that I ran into after an incident in a club a couple months ago. DJ is really cool, and really older. I'm talking like, 22 years old. It doesn't matter though because 1)We're just friends and 2)He says he doesn't mind the fact that I'm five years younger than him because I don't act my age. Thank you, thank you very much. I like DJ a lot, probably because he reminds me so much of my past. He raps and kind has a badass essence to him that I like a lot. Back in Jericho I actually dated a lot of guys that were mixed or of color. Maybe I didn't clarify in my last post but I was much different back home. I was the white-girl with rhythm that could easily challenge any black girl to a dance-off and win. I probably still could but that's not who I chose to be here in Manhattan. I can still dance though, of course. But back to DJ, he must have liked my spunk and spur of confidence because he invited me backstage to his show at Equinox, backstage and everything. Then, he wanted me to come to the after party with his group. I'm actually really excited. DJ is probably the only one that will ever see the side of me he's about to, or partly has. I kinda like the rush of all of this, to be honest.


xoxoxo